Writings for the journey

CPE

2007-10-03T04:07:00.001-07:00

So I am in my second month of CPE (Clinical Pastoral Education) and I love it. Don't get me wrong, my job is hard and the situations that I enter in are often devastating. But I find great meaning in what I do. The hospital has been a great context to integrate my theology and practice. I get to interact with people of all cultures, ages, religions, races, socio-economic status, and education and learn so much from them. I watch myself fumble in many of these situations, but I am learning so much. I have great peers to work with and a wonderful supervisor who guides us along the way. I am so grateful for this opportunity.

I didn't throw-up!!!!

2007-04-03T13:56:00.000-07:00

I passed my first oral defense of my papers and didn't throw-up. Its a good day.

Pray for me...

2007-04-02T11:05:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow and Thursday I defend my papers for my final comprehesive exam for the M. Div. I have had recurring nightmares that I walk in the room with my classmates and faculty and throw-up, Exorcist style, green even, all over the room. The dream ends when I politely, without saying a word, turn around and walk out of the room with all others present stunned.

This can be your prayer for me...
-that I dont throw-up
-understand the questions posed to me
-that I would be articulate
-I would be able to recall all that I have studied and be able to apply it appropriately
-once again, that I dont throw-up

Thanks for your prayers.

Sometimes the best thing you can say is nothing...

2007-03-29T13:08:00.000-07:00

Sometimes the best thing you can say is nothing. Over the past couple of years, I feel like my life has been surrounded by heartache. I don't think there has been more heartache in the past two years but only then have I been able to see it around me. Divorce, miscarriage, sudden death of friend, death of child, break ups, hunger, war, cancer, etc. The list could go on forever. Its hard to find God in all of these situations. In my anxiety, I try to find words to articulate where God is and isn't. The truth is, I don't know. More often than not, words bring me more anxiety than relief. Surprisingly, I have found more comfort in the silence. Sometimes the best thing you can say is nothing.

Thank you...

2006-09-24T14:11:00.000-07:00

The past two years have been filled with change and transitions. Within two years I have graduated college, married my best friend, moved three times, started graduate school, watched my parents divorce after 31 years of marriage, and changed jobs 3 times. It has been a worldwind of a time. It often seems like the world is spinning out of control. There seems to be little stable ground nearby and it always seems just out of my reach.

I have found myself feeling isolated. No one can really know what it is like to go through all these changes. No one really wants to hear about the doubts and concerns these changes raise in a person. I dont want to be a burden to someone else. I can get through this; it will just take some time. This has been the biggest transition of all. It is hard to make new friends and find people you feel safe with. People that you can share your doubts with. People who know the in's and out's of transitions.

Well, I can say that I am beginning to make some of these kinds of friends now and what a blessing it has been. It is wonderful to spend time in people's homes getting to know their children or what they like to eat. It is such a blessing to find people that have real doubt and real pain and yet have found ways to live faithfully in the midst of it. It is such a blessing to have friends that share their life with you.

Thank you Steve and Maria, Tobin and Krister, Houston and Karen, Drew and Carolyn, Greg and Shirley, Dan and Kelli, and the countless others that have reached out to me and so many others in times of change, transition and instability. I have learned so much from you even in the short time I have known you. Thank you for sharing your life with me and allowing me to share mine.

Drum Role please......

2006-03-30T07:01:00.000-08:00

Casey (CP) and I have some good news. No, we are not pregnant (at least that I am aware of). No, we didn't get a dog (although he would like to change that soon). Yes, CP (he is going by this now) just accepted a Youth Ministry position at Richardson East church of Christ. We are thrilled and cant wait to start. We will be moving to Richardson or Garland (its a little cheaper) at the end of May. We are so excited to serve alongside the christians at Richardson East and be a light in the community.

We are thankful for our time here at North Davis and have learned so much about ministry from them. As we were thinking about our relationship with ND we realized that one or both of us have been in relationship with ND for five years.

CP will graduate with an M. Div. in August and I will continue school this next year and hopefully graduate in May of 2007. After that, who knows? I just wanted to keep you all updated.

Twelve Marks of Mission...

2006-02-17T09:06:00.000-08:00

Adapted from Church of the Savior, Washington, DC

Mission comes to you as good news--energizing, life-giving, creating. It is not ultimately dominated by a sense of 'oughtness'.
Mission carries a sense of the transcendent--awe of God and the possibilities that it raises.
Mission is true to your basic nature. It follows the thread of your own inner love and your own life story.
Mission usually seems impossible to be fulfilled--on the basis of your own resources. Usually accompanied by feeling of inadequacy and need for God's grace.
Mission persists over a period of time.
Mission is contra-cultural. It goes against the prevailing norms of the culture in addressing the needs of that culture.
Mission is risky. It can succeed or fail--but it is measured not by success as humanly seen; but by faithfulness. Persecution is a possibility.
Mission is costly--it involves a giving up.
Mission is evolutionary. It develops as you move into it.
Mission finds a point of specific focus.
Mission comes from a deep empathy--often out of your own woundedness.
Mission requires the identification, development and exercise of your gifts.

How does this idea of mission compare with your previous understandings? What can we learn from these principles? What could be added?

Bread of the World, In Mercy Broken

2006-02-15T08:57:00.000-08:00

Reginald Heber (1783-1826)
Bread of the World, In Mercy Broken (eucharistic hymn)

Bread of the world, in mercy broken,
Wine of the soul, in mercy shed,
By Whom the words of life were spoken,
And in Whose death our sins are dead.
Look on the heart by sorrow broken,
Look on the tears by sinners shed;
And be Thy feast to us the token,
That by Thy grace our souls are fed.

Reginald Heber was born at Malpas, Cheshire, April 21, 1783. He attended Brasenose College, Oxford, where he proved himself a gifted poet and writer. In 1800, his "Carmen Seculare" won Oxford's Latin prize. In 1803, his most well known poem, "Palestine," won the prize for English verse. In November 1804, he was elected as a fellow at All Souls College, Oxford. In 1805, he won the prize for the best English essay with "The Sense of Honor." In 1807, following an extended tour of the continent, Heber was ordained and assumed the living at Hodnet. In 1809, he married Amelia Shipley, daughter of William Davies Shipley, dean of St. Asaph.
Heber frequently contributed works to the Quarterly Review and had several hymns published in the Christian Observer. Then, in 1812, he published a volume of hymns. Among Heber's best known hymns are: "Lord of Mercy and of Might," "From Greenland's Icy Mountains" and "Holy, Holy, Holy". In 1815, he was appointed Brampton lecturer at Oxford. In 1817, Heber was made prebendary of St. Asaph and was named preacher of Lincoln's Inn in 1822.
In 1823, after refusing twice, he accepted an appointment as Bishop of Calcutta. Prior to his departure for India, Heber was awarded the D.D. degree from Oxford. While serving in India he was vigorous in the performance of his duties. He made several tours of the country, consecrating new churches and opening new schools. The combination of a demanding schedule and the harsh Indian climate caused his health to weaken. Bishop Reginald Heber died while visiting Trichinopoly, India, on April 26, 1826, at the age of 43. From http://www.pitts.emory.edu/Archives/text/mss098.html.

From one of my new favorite websites...

2006-02-13T13:28:00.000-08:00

check out this website http://www.sacredspace.ie/

Something to think and pray about this week:

What is your best posture for prayer? On your knees, standing, sitting, prostrate or walking (though it is more difficult to focus the mind when the body is moving)? To quote John Callanan SJ of the Sacred Space Team in his book, “Finding Fire with Tony de Mello”: When you settle into prayer, look first to your breathing. Slow down. Taste the air flowing through your nostrils. Fill your body deeply with it, and then empty it slowly by gently breathing out. Continue this breathing, slowly and deeply, with lips slightly open, inhaling through the nose and exhaling through the mouth. Think of your mind as a pool whose surface, when ruffled by the winds of anger or desire, is unable to reflect the sun. You are trying to find an interior reflection of God’s goodness in your life.

Do we really understand our life as prayer as an attempt to reflect the goodness of God? Does this understanding fit in with your theological anthropology? Can humanity reflect the goodness of God? I want to hear your thoughts.

2005-09-01T09:09:00.000-07:00

Well my husband is off to LA to bring supplies to FEMA. You know, I have not experienced this crisis up close and yet I too feel like I am in a state of shock. You know when you seem to be moving very slowly but the world around is racing. We cleaned out a Walmart here of their drinking water. Casey and the crew are bringing decontamination suits used in the tsunami, medical supplies, food, water, etc. Keep them in your prayers. There have been many people confronted when they bring supplies.

LORD have mercy

2005-08-08T08:38:00.000-07:00

From BCP

With all our heart and with all our mind, let us pray to the Lord, saying, "Lord, have mercy."

For the peace from above, for hte loving-kindness of God, and for hte salvation of our souls, let us pray to the Lord. Lord, have mercy.

For the peace of the world, for the welfare of the holy Church of God, and for the unity of all peoples, let us pray to the Lord. Lord, have mercy.

For our Bishop, and for all the clergy and people,let us pray to the Lord. Lord, have mercy.

For our President, for the leaders of hte nations, and for all in authority,let us pray to the Lord. Lord, have mercy.

For this city, Arlington, TX, for every city and community, and for those who live in them, let us pray to the Lord. Lord, have mercy.

For the good earth whichGod has given us, and for the wisdom and will to conserve it, let us pray to the Lord. Lord, have mercy.

For the aged and infirm, for the widowed and orphans, and for hte sick and the suffereing,let us pray to the Lord. Lord, have mercy.

For the poor and the oppressed, for the unemployed and the destitute, for the prisoners and captives, and for all who remember and care for them, let us pray to the Lord. Lord, have mercy.

For all who have died in the hope of the resurrectioin, and for all the departed, let us pray to the Lord. Lord, have mercy.

For deliverance from all danger, violence, oppression, and degradation, let us pray to the Lord. Lord, have mercy.

For the absolution and remission of our sins and offenses, let us pray to the Lord. Lord, have mercy.

That we may end our lives in faith and hope, without suffering and without reproach,let us pray to the Lord. Lord, have mercy.

Defend us, deliver us, and in thy compassion protect us, O Lord, by they grace. Lord, have mercy.

In the communion of all the saints, let us commend ourselves, and one another, and all our life to Christ our God. To thee, O Lord our God.

Some thoughts

2005-07-22T10:00:00.000-07:00
As much as we all seem to search to hear only that which affirms our current direction and lifestyle, I am continually brought to me knees when someone finally tells me what I need to hear. I need to hear the words that stop me in my tracks and require me to reflect on my life and the direction I am headed. Christianity is not another add-on to our life. "Now that I am a christian I have extra does and don'ts to incorporate into my life." The decision to follow Christ and to be continually transformed into his likeness changes everything about us. WE CANNOT STAY THE SAME.

I have been reading Church as Counterculture and I am reminded over and over that the Church has to be distinct. This is part of it's core identity, being set apart as God's people and to be a manifestation of the presence of God in the world.

So I will leave you with some thoughts that have reminded me of my identity.

"Discipleship means complete dedication. It demands everything - the whole heart, the whole mind, and the whole of life, including one's time, energy, and property - for the cause of love. Half-hearted Christianity is worse than no Christianity."
J. Heinrich Arnold

The Blog Community

2005-07-06T12:11:00.000-07:00
Unfortunately, I am not so sure this would have been the way God envisioned community for his world, but I guess we take what we can get. I have this really bad habit of spending too much time reading blogs. I validate my habit with excuses that it keeps me connected with people all over the world, I can keep up with friends, broaden my worldview, etc. All of these things are true but really, I can't really justify the time I spend day in and day out one the computer.

You may be asking yourself, "She works for a church and is full time grad student. How does she have time?" I really have not been able to justify this time spent until today. As I was parusing through the blogs I regularly read, I came across a post that was singing my song. Another female seminary student looking for community. We dont know each other nor will we probably ever meet. But now we both know that there are others out there that see the world a little differently that those around us. We often feel like the odd man out (no pun intended)in our schools and in our churches. This is not to say that people are unkind or sensitive. I guess I just feel misunderstood.

I am not out to save the world, although at times I wish I could. I am not out to change or stir up trouble in the Lord's church, although at times I think God is calling us all to be changed. I merely want to offer the gifts that God has given me to the service of his emerging kingdom.

All this is to say, I found a sense of community in one of the most unlikely places.

Our first two weeks at a new ministry

2005-06-21T13:35:00.000-07:00
I can not begin to explain the wide range of emotion and thought that has taken place with us these past two weeks. Casey and I constantly question if the drive we have is passion that should be fanned into flame or are we overzealous grad students out ot change the world (at the church's expense). It has been a lot of fun to think through teaching strategies, material, direction for our demographic within the church, etc. These processes have drown out more questions than answers and that is to be expected. Questions like the role of clergy/pastors or how does the church engage culture. As we seek to assess the group we work with as well as our community we question how well we can ever really know a person or what they need. As we interact with other ministers and get feedback often we arent sure exactly what is meant by it. We are reminded that all of us are broken individuals, seeking the consolation of others and our Lord. We have all been hurt and often choose the route of self-protection rather than vulnerablity. We see so much injustice in the world and we become overwhelmed to the point of feeling we can do nothing. It is true the harvest is plentiful but the workers are few.

2005-03-22T19:23:00.000-08:00

Is there such thing as too much of a good thing?

2005-03-13T14:47:00.000-08:00
I am beginning to think more and more that too much of ANYTHING is never good. Many have said to me, "You can never be too rich, too thin, or too beautiful." Well I think they are wrong. I have experienced in my time as a student that you can study too much, you can drink too much coffee, you can think too hard, you can do anything too much. It is so hard for me to live in moderation. I along with many others have a hard time living in the tension as some call it. I heard a lot growing up that a real Christian must sell out, all in and I believe that. But I don't think it looks the same as we might think. This lifestyle of selling out often goes unnoticed among us. Single parents raising their children up in the way of Christ, an elderly widow who rocks babies in the nursery for years on in. Giving oneself completely to the way of Christ means considering all the options, realizing that things are not as simple as we would like them to be. When we seek to make things so simple we polarize ourselves and others against each other. I don't know about you but I need all the help I can get on this journey. It is not an easy one.

Why is this?

2004-10-24T18:08:00.000-07:00
Why is it that we are always out for the shortcut? Are others not worth our time? I had a great conversation with a friend of mine. Actually I observed more of a the conversation that I participated. There were four of us there. As a friend of mine continued to ask questions...serious one, another continued to give quick, tright answers to her much deeper question. I was really nervous and for a while all I did was pray for wisdom. I really wanted to be a good friend. I thought of how so many people don't take the time to be friends. I have left my friends high and dry because I wasn't willing to give the energy. I repent of this and I pray that I will give nothing less that the energy necessary to be the best partner in this journey through life. We so often oversimplify things in hopes that it will suffice so that we don't have to actually think through some of the hard questions of life. I think we fear that our faith is not strong enough to lead not only in the wilderness but out. My prayer is for more faith and for the courage to step out on that faith. Join me.

2004-09-18T10:19:00.000-07:00
Well today I am working at the book store. Things are quiet and still. It is nice to have a little change around here from the rush at the beginning of school. But the silences is deafening. I can feel myself getting anxious to find something to do or read or or music to play. Anything to keep out the silence. Why do we fear the silence? Why can't we be still? Do we base our own value and the value of others so much on what they produce or what they are doing that we feel like we are losing our self-worth if we aren't constantly doing something "productive"? Our language says that we don't think silence and stillness are of any value; they aren't "productive." I am tired of viewing myself based on what I produce. Instead, I want to value myself and others simply for being who they are. I wish I took more time to just 'be'.

My finace' is hot

2004-09-16T19:00:00.000-07:00
I am the luckiest woman in the world